Venice is, arguably, the most beautiful city in the world. You don't need me to tell you that. It's also a tourist-infested, hideously expensive, and frequently reeking dump, and you probably don't need me to tell you that either.
This is compounded by the fact that virtually every Venetian I encountered was a dick. I don't blame them, entirely. All of those awkward hordes of Brits, Americans, French, Chinese, and Germans wear you every down, every neurotic food phobia – “como se dice 'vegan options'?” – every demand for snappier customer service, every slackjawked gawker getting in your way when you're just trying to pick your kids up from school, it takes its toll.
But my god, those infinite tangled alleys, the weight of centuries, the tiny standing-room only enotecas, the elegant interplay of land and water...
And so my mood in La Serenissima oscillated accordingly, between rapt enthusiasm and wonder and absolute dejected cynicism, from the moment I arrived as a Marco-Polo-in-reverse on the fast train from Milan.
I could admire the splendid beauty of Saint Mark's, beneath its Baroque clock with Zodiac symbols and its intricate pattern of gold stars on a royal blue background, watched over by the severe and imperious winged lion that stares across the city from infinite bas reliefs, its snarl as cruel as the statue of the Assyrian demon in the opening sequence from The Exorcist, a symbol of a conception of the world constructed on wholly different terms... only to be brought crashing back to reality as I lined up to enter the basilica, only to realize one could enter a QR code to pay double the price for the priority queue – tiered-service neoliberalism married to an institution that would rather spend its bucks sheltering sex offenders rather than restoring the masterworks that their faith supposedly built.
Similarly, on the other side of the Grand Canal, I traipsed through the Peggy Guggenheim Collection, admiring the lovingly collected works of Magritte and Kandinsky and Joseph Cornell and Duchamp and my beloved Di Chirico, as the autumn light danced through the cool white hallways, as I idly wondered whether I would be finishing the day and pairing my evening cicchetti with an Aperol spritz or a lush, apricot-scented glass of Lugana, reminded of every thing I love about visiting Italy, only to run afoul of a horsefaced and posh Brit sneering before Max Ernst – and even, God help her, Di Chirico's La Torre Rosso – whining “oh no, I don't like this a-tall...,” wondering why the fuck she would even come at all, this updated E.M. Forster character with her potbellied and Tory-voiced husband muttering about “shithole countries” on the way out, and further wondering why the fuck I didn't keep my earbuds in.
The Biennale was on, and being a good pilgrim, I made my way there on my knees, only to find the whole thing presented via the worst sort of mushmouthed academic jargon commonplace in the art world, pioneered by hucksters like Jacques Lacan, Michel Serres, and Luce Irigaray. Doubly depressing was the fact that the main exhibition's focus on female surrealists had taken their frequently militant socialist politics and stripped them away, replacing them with a vague witchiness and an even vaguer anticolonialism. And so all these brave women who in many cases sacrificed so much for their commitment to truth and solidarity were dragooned into service as handmaidens of late-stage capitalism – poor Cecilia Vicuña stuffed into a pussy hat.
But no matter, I loved the art, and the Venice Biennale most notably features pavilions from various countries competing for the big prize, and so it becomes a more bohemian version of Epcot, and I mean that in the best of ways. Let's take a global tour...
Denmark – Horrifyingly real sculptures of eviscerated centaurs, slashed apart and noosed, amid the wreckage of the pastoral farmstead. The sort of thing that gets right under your skin. Is it any wonder this comes from the same country as Lars von Trier? The hell is going on in Denmark?
Romania – Video of people having sex, gay men with “Elfriede Jelinek” written across their arms (hell yeah), a severely disabled man lain down and fucked by a curvy blonde in thoroughly kinky dungeon sex. Weirdly hot.
Japan – Artful arrangements of ethereal light, because what could be more simple and elegant and jawdroppingly gorgeous?
US – It's very funny to me that the State Department is going out of its way to lampshade its support for black feminist art, because, well, I think we can safely say that many feminists of African origin in the Global South have a few words with regard to the US State Department.
Germany – Mostly empty, but the building itself is partially taken apart to reveal how it was constructed under fascist regimes, and it's as intellectually rigorous and abstract and stern-faced as I would hope.
UK – Painful attempt at fun. Lots of women making music, and videos of them making music in Abbey Road Studio, when I'd rather just listen to the music. Even Brits can make good music.
France – Actual fun, because French people are far more capable of having fun. An absolute junk-drawer wonderland of cast-off artifacts from the Algerian and French mid-century, welcoming enough that people were actually sitting around and talking and chilling and laughing, because after that much po-faced bullshit, sometimes you just want a glass of wine and a couch.
Australia – Confusing imagery on loop I tried to figure out. Then I read the artist's statement, saying it was supposed to be confusing imagery. Mission accomplished, mate.
Spain – Literally nothing there. Supposed to be a commentary? Apparently?
Canada – Mentioned revolution in the title. The sample image they used was – I swear to God I'm not making this up – a Stanley Cup riot.
Egypt – Uteruses that look like Kirby.
Russia – (missing entry)
Writing that cheered me up. I hope it cheered you up too.
And all that stupidity, all that backlog of grievances, it quickly fades when you actually get to your second Aperol spritz, and you walk around Venice at sunset, feeling it a little, enjoying the long shadows falling over the lagoon. Sure, there's a tubby middle-aged American couple in matching Pittsburgh sports hoodies (Steelers for him, Pirates for her), wifey with a mobility cane for her rotundness, right in front of you blocking the view, but unironically bless their hearts for actually making it this far from Western PA. I smile briefly, and turn up The Psychedelic Furs as loud as they will go as the sun slowly sinks over the Lido. And if that doesn't appeal, I don't know what's wrong with you.
There is a melancholy in my last night in Venice – the kind that comes at the end of any visit to any place, even if it's at the beginning of a trip. And part of that is knowing that this is the last time I'll be in this place for a long time. Maybe forever.
Maybe I'll die before I get another sunset over the Lido. Maybe that final acqua alta will come and swallow this most vulnerable of cities whole.
But for now I have this. And that is enough.
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