Place, Grief, and a Clean, Well-Lighted Place

Once upon a time, there was a watering hole I loved deeply – it wasn’t just that they made good drinks, that’s dime-a-dozen. It was the excellent bartender, who not only was handy with the shaker and bitters, but had great chat and knew how to wrangle some of the ornerier customers, who left feeling respected even as they were being 86’d. And more importantly, it functioned as a gathering spot for all of us fucking weirdos – bohemian fuckups, queer artists, masochists weeping over the ramifications of coldness and cruelty, cocaine enthusiasts zipping to and from the bathroom, veterans of the hospitality industry hardened by years on the line or behind the stick, septum-pierced and preening Onlyfans girls, mainland Chinese alienated from the Beijing consensus retreating into a world of wine and letters, and every other kind of degenerate that I had the privilege to call a friend, or at the very least a drinking buddy.

And yet owing to a recent change in ownership and staffing, what is left feels like a skeleton. The menu is the same, the live jazz remains excellent, but the clientele is different, the mood is different... something’s just wrong. And it’s honestly painful to witness.

This shouldn’t bother me as much as it does. After all, there will always be places to socialize and imbibe. So why is it that I’m in this mood?

Millions of pages have been written about our relationships with the people in our lives, but one of the strongest and most affecting relationship we have is to place. The concept of "home," however we choose to define it. Maybe it's the maternal farmstead, the place where generations of your ancestors were laid in the ground after lifetimes of trying to bring forth life from the exhausted soil. Maybe it's the rattrap urban apartment you fled to after that maternal farmstead rejected you, the place where you decided, on your own terms and with your own values, what constituted the good.

Or maybe it's something larger scale, a community, a nation, a language, a religion, again whether inherited or chosen. The only thing it really cannot be is humanity writ large. Because the concept of "home" is fundamentally an interior standing in contrast to an exterior, a place in which one can be as close to one's "authentic" self as that fractious term will allow.

Which is why the idea of losing one's home (small-scale) in, say, a fire, or (large-scale) a human conflict is so horrifying. And why the term "refugee" triggers such strong emotions, whether that is an empathy with those who can no longer return home or a visceral fear and desire to cast out, lest we be reminded that we too might eventually occupy such precarious positions.

But it doesn't have to be home. It is just as much the little corners we carve out that we mark with our memories. The favorite wooded glade where, as a child, you were free to be Cinderella or Aladdin. The house down the street where you had your first kiss. The hospital where your daughter was born.

Or simply that curve of the highway you love because it's where the trees and the sun line up in just the right way.

We live in a world in which housing prices around the world are spiraling out of control, "third places" as we commonly understand them are dying throughout the English-speaking world owing to market forces that have little capability to provide the sorts of coffee shops and arcades that can act as second homes for a minimal fee, and hell if we're going to be catastrophic about it, in which environmental horror threatens to dislocate millions and destabilize billions.

So we hang on to those precious few spots in which we feel something like what Heidegger called the heimlich, which can be very roughly summed up as a sense of ease. The effacement of one of those places is, inevitably, bound to hit a pain point or two.

So when we find those little places, it can be, conversely, a singular bit of hope.

I'm finishing my evening in a quiet, 100 year old tavern in Kyoto. When Secretary of War Henry Stimson made the decision to spare Kyoto from the bombings so many other Japanese cities were subject to, he not only saved the city's ancient temples, but also its fine stock of Taisho Period commercial architecture and its attendant businesses of the sorts depicted in ukiyo-e paintings of the 19th Century. And so it is here, with the tobacco-stained ceilings and well-worn tables.

Out there? America is trapped in an improbable political and economic morass with no positive outcomes, the UK is slowly sinking into poverty, with the average British child having lost a full centimeter of height over the past 10 years due to malnutrition, Eastern Europe is embroiled in war, the Middle East is worse than it been in my lifetime with countless Palestinians murdered and starved with the tacit approval of the developed world, heat indices are set to reach record highs globally, everyone over 50 is facing the future shock of being unable to parse reality, while everyone under 50 is facing a future that has rarely looked bleaker... and unlike in previous bleak times, all the bleakness is on all our screens all the time.

But here I am, beneath those smoke-brown ceilings, among the bottles of forgotten brands of tonic water and rye whiskey in my clean, well-lighted place. I'm the only customer left, save the elderly salaryman already passed out in front of his highball, cigarette already long turned to ash in his hand. And yet here, somehow... I'm at peace.

Ue o muite aruko

Namida ga kaborenai youni

Omodaisu haruno hi

Hitoribotchi no yoru

- Kyu Sakomoto, 1961

For this moment.

I Don't Hate People Anymore

Some version of dedicated dismissal of the human species has always stalked the official narratives, whatever they may have been, from Diogenes the Cynic in the ancient world barking at Alexander the Great, all the way forward to the dedicated neurotic fuck-yous of Richard Lewis and Janeane Garofalo in the Comedy Cellar in the ‘90s, with countless stopovers and loops on the way. Maybe the draw was Nietzsche writing his little zingers in his garret, maybe it was Lou Reed flipping off all you guys, and all you girls with all your sweet talk. 

Because the official institutions and their associated narratives that constituted mainstream opinion in whatever form they took – religious orthodoxy, civil society, the reassurances of the Hollywood ending – allowed the misanthropic alternative to thrive as an omnipresent shadow figure. Alceste, the original titular Misanthrope of Moliere’s play, was a serious pussy-getter who got exiled for being too real, man. 

But that was then. Religious orthodoxy continues to flare up, but not as an all-encompassing weltanschauung, but rather as a series of reactionary fevers. Civil society and the prospect of a commons or a shared destiny are memories at this point. And to find an unironic Hollywood ending, one has to go to the emerging and shamelessly populist morality-play cinemas of Bollywood, Nollywood, and the dopey nationalist action movies coming out of Shanghai and Moscow.

So I can't help but feel that some form of misanthropy has gone from a subcultural current to a mainstream opinion. This is regrettably logical. If we live in a world of unprecedented loneliness, that loneliness is stalked by an unprecedented misanthropy. In the era of climate change, information overload, future shock, panoptic social media, and the levers of power being gripped onto by alternating teams of psychotic nationalists and psychotic neoliberals, it is difficult not to be pessimistic – like I said, a natural and reasonable response, if sad. But that pessimism needs an outlet, and it has an unfortunate way of manifesting itself as a contrast between one's own ego and the repulsive mass around us.

“In spite of everything, I still believe people really are good at heart” – Anne Frank, Diary of a Young Girl

“They should be rewarded for not being people. I hate people.” – Aubrey Plaza as Depressive Pixie Dream Girl re: cute aminal friends, Parks and Recreation

The various figures of the contemporary commedia dell'arte reflect this widespread attitude. Facebook boomer dads with receding-hairline opinions think they're the heirs to George Carlin, autistic teenagers without relationships or hobbies can dedicate themselves to self-flagellating as they demonstrate their correct opinions, and viral TikToks show imaginary arguments between a random 32 year old creative and himself with slightly different hair. He, of course, wins that argument.

In the atomized space of online communication, it is comforting, a guaranteed win. In your Madison Square Garden of the soul, you will always be the Harlem Globetrotters, they will always be the Washington Generals.

Because in this world, everyone is an idiot but me. Crying-laughing emoji crying-laughing emoji.

Unfortunately, this is not too far from my own natural state of being. Any smart, oversensitive kid quickly learns that many things sucked. And now, let's run some teenage hormones over those existential-angst default settings, add the usual edgy boy inputs (the complete discographies of Nirvana and the Dead Kennedys, repeat viewings of Fight Club and The Usual Suspects). That gets one to the usual teenage fuck-you, the kind that comes with a bottle of Fireball that rolled under the passenger seat of a 1995 Ford Tempo.

Now add high-art texts, chosen pretty much at arm's length, one leading to the other. Kierkegaard seemed like a high priest of anxiety and isolation, and after listening to Nevermind and taking a swig of that Fireball, I accepted Sartre's proclamation that hell was other people more or less as a prime directive. L'enfer, c'est les autres. Fuck the normies, pass the Doritos bitch, I got hella munchies.

But when Sartre said that, he didn't say that other people were hell -- the vision of the hell he didn't believe in that he puts forth in No Exit consists of anxieties, fears, conflicts, resentments, and projections, not the people themselves. And even then, this most famous quote was not a philosophical statement – it’s a quote from the character of Garcin, and, well, he's a bit of a dick. So it's no different than the other teenage boys who took Tyler Durden (or for that matter Eric Cartman) at his word. It’s a natural desire to be known as a heretic with an unforgiving vision.

And yet while I said as much... I didn't hate people, not truly. Sure, my fellow man disappointed me more often than not, but at the end of the day I found people more frightening and confusing than worthy of contempt. Some might have called my attitude misanthropic, but perhaps the better word is weltschmerz, the “world-pain” engendered by the inability to account for the cruelty of the world.

Many years ago, my beloved high school Western Civilization teacher (hard to believe such a thing still existed) asked us where we were on the scale of belief in the capacity of humans – were we John Locke, optimistic believers in tabula rasa and the liberal democratic politics to follow, or were we Thomas Hobbes, inveighing against the nasty, brutish, and short life of the uncultivated man? As a wee edgelord, I of course agreed with Hobbes more, but… I didn’t like the implications, the belief that therefore man must be steered by a tyrant. Nor should I have.

And misanthropy does lead to reactionary politics, whether that’s Hobbes’ Leviathan, or the puritanical belief that we are all sinners in the hands of an angry god, or the strict delineation of a dar al-Islam as the only locale in which peace may reign. I clearly didn’t vibe with that, because, well, I liked things like democracy. And being free to smoke a bowl whenever I damn well pleased. I may have disagreed vehemently, albeit purely intuitively, with my teacher at the time, but that may have been a moment when doubts were sown as to my contempt for the human species. My pessimism existed because I felt bad for my fellow man, not because I hated him.

Furthermore, the misanthropy itself was also infinitely more charming when it was an undercurrent. Diogenes and Heraclitus and Lucian, Nietzsche and Schopenhauer and Stirner, Richard Pryor and Dave Attell and John Kennedy Toole, they all spoke their truth, and sometimes they were right, sometimes they were wrong, but they at least felt like original and necessary interpretations and counterpoints.

So the older I get, the more my love and empathy expand. I’m not in a childhood bedroom or grotty college dorm anymore, and I’ve somehow against all odds managed to live a life of travel and art and letters. And when I flaneur around, staring at the infinite sea of faces, all I can think is how utterly fascinating they all are. So when I feel hopeless about the brave new world we inhabit, it’s more that, well… I just feel bad for all of them. I still think I’m trapped on a burning planet with a bare minimum of hope, but I feel lousy for even the most pigheaded and deluded of my fellow prisoners.

Now I can already hear certain protestations. This could itself be a new version of the contrarian hipster attitude -- I was misanthropic before it was cool.

Perhaps that is true, but if so, I’d like to think this isn’t me being even more of a dick. Rather, it’s a generalized sadness at no longer being the canary in the coal mine. All the humans followed me down, even as I gasp and flutter my last as the white damp sets in.

So, dear reader, let it be known that this canary loves you, even if he’s wondering why the fuck he’s here.

A Memoriam to Pitchfork

 The process of media consolidation has been such a grim march since before I was born that I normally hardly pay attention. Oh, Publication X is ceasing. Well I guess that’s rough.

But today’s announcement that Pitchfork was being folded into GQ was a stab to the heart.

Now, it’s been a long time since I’ve read Pitchfork regularly – as I’ve discussed previously, it’s been circling the drain for a while. The site has over the past few years veered in an obnoxiously poptimist direction, favoring rhapsodic nonsense about a perfectly forgettable Ice Spice song rather than anything even remotely countercultural or in-depth, with even most of the indie they championed being remarkably inoffensive – I like Big Thief as much as the next guy, but they’re hardly leading a musical revolution. And yet it was still a devoted music website (i.e. not an app), a place where actual journalists were paid to actually write about music, without a video autoplay coming up every five seconds, without much-touted Spotify exclusives, without the morass of branded content.

This is where I should also point that it’s a bit suss, to say the least, that this happened a month after Pitchfork’s union successfully negotiated zero layoffs.

But once upon a time Pitchfork was vital. OK, sure, it was easy to make fun of. The painfully earnest reviews of indie music were often silly and overwrought, but it was, for those of us who grew up far from urban centers, a way to learn about the wider, weirder world of music beyond the top 40 at a time when radio airplay was still functioning as a cultural arbiter in piggly-eyed Middle America (hard to imagine in the era of Spotify I know) Along with the much-missed Tiny Mix Tapes, the website that single-handedly turned me onto so much incredible noise rock, it was an open invitation, with its year-end lists and decade retrospectives and its annual music festival that I attended every year for their first few years. Their long-form journalism was often brilliant, frequently heartbreaking, and always thought-provoking, and these articles introduced me to ‘90s Chicago post-rock, afrobeat from Fela Kuti forwards, and countless other veins of music I would have never known. Shoegaze seemed less a genre than an ideology. And in the same way I read and read so as to know the world, I listened and listened so as to know the world.

I’ll just leave this forgotten beauty here: https://pitchfork.com/features/resonant-frequency/6411-resonant-frequency-39

And in my dorm room I would restlessly search for Mediafire and Megadownload .zip copies of these albums. I would pore through the mildewy reek of the music library of our little college radio station where I was paid a pitiful stipend as station librarian. I would find Youtube clips consisting of scratchy transfers of old 7” Cherry Red singles paired with highly pixelated album art. I listened to Godspeed You Black Emperor’s F#A# (infinity) on my Discman in winter fields. I would see shows in dank and grimy venues with only a handful of other weirdos present. The Robot Ate Me tackled me to the ground and may have dry-humped me as he sang on top of my pinned-down body.

Right now, I’m sitting at home, marinating pork shoulder in papaya and spices, to sear and then deglaze with Viognier. I long ago traded in my band t-shirts bought at sweaty shows and beat-up Chuck Taylors and Chrome seatbelt bag for linen shirts and Clark’s suede and a nice leather satchel bought at a Budapest haberdasher, and I’ve gone from couch stays in scrofulous shared houses to bitching about the Keurig selection in boutique hotels.

But I’m listening to those albums that meant so much to me at one time. The self-titled Beach House album, Arcade Fire’s Funeral, Asobi Seksu’s Citrus, Yo La Tengo’s I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One. Albums that once seemed to hold the key to something, in the lingering waft of Nag Champa and shitty Iowa schwag at 17 years old, when some part of me fully believed that the only girl I ever loved was born with roses in her eyes, and then they buried her alive one evening in 1945.

And so the final burial of Pitchfork is another reminder of the general enshittification processes. All those feisty independent journalistic outlets and blogs that shaped my perspective have been outmoded by the algorithm, the treasure hunt has been replaced by the hopeless scroll.

This sucks. I hate it here.

At best, the better of those articles will remain floating in the floating world, ghosts to be found by people much younger than myself – a bit like the odd old issues of magazines from other eras you’d find lying around. Because ghosts are often so much more reassuring than the present.