City Lights

Dining alone is rarely ideal, but there's something especially dismal about eating something flambeed alone. Here you are, the waitress seems to say, shall I have the kitchen send you a single slice of birthday cake and a party hat as well?

It wasn't a good day, nothing better to do, stifling weather, and the walls of my home becoming increasingly claustrophobic, as if the cracks in the paint threatened to consume me whole.

But I had a nice view at least, 37 floors high above the most perfect representation of Downtown Bangkok life. The towers of brooding banking headquarters and airy five-star hotels, the narrow quiet streets where a few tiny lanes of wooden houses still managed to hold on even as the city – as the now-forgotten Booth Tarkington once so gloriously put it, spread and darkened around them, the Vietnam-era fleshpots of Patpong now transformed into this weird sort of Amsterdamized sex-positive amusement park with galleries and dispensaries, the dinner cruises on the turbid river that curls around into the distant darkness.

But what attracts me so much isn't the social landscape, but the optical landscape – and I mean that in the physical sense, in the infinite varieties of light laid out before me. In the soft, warm light from inside the condos, the frigid glow of the antiseptic offices that left their lights on, the rush of taillights and headlights, the cheap ice-blue glow of the four- and five-story shophouses, the distant twinkle of the oil refineries, and the greasy glow of the Chao Phraya. No stars, of course.

Just city lights.

The very name “city lights” has somehow sustained its romance. Chaplin named his love story accordingly nearly 100 years ago, and B-sides are still released with variations on that name. No matter how much the world changes, even as the urban increasingly becomes the norm and the rural the exception, there's still something about the twinkle of skylines that captures the imagination. There's still something for us to dream of – in the past it may have been the dream of the kid from the farm, but now it's more likely to be the kid from the suburbs.

 

In our media, each of the lights themselves plays a specific role – the harsh sodium of the streetlights as seen in a thousand intro-credit establishing shots of LA, the strobe flash of a darkened Berlin disco, the lurid desire of flickering neon and the bleary rush of passing elevated trains, the hedonistic interplay with tropical sunsets in polychrome cities by the sea.

 

Because it's not just a marriage of optics and geography, is it? It's an aspirational term, and a consistently aspirational concept. It's one of the oldest tropes there is. Aesop wrote about his city mouse and his country mouse more than two millennia ago. Take it to the present. Being the oldhead I am, it was only recently that I learned about the Night Luxe hashtag slash “aesthetic” (ugh) trending on TikTok over the past year, glamorizing a world of smoky eyes and Givenchy dresses and champagne flutes.

 

Conversely, there is one of the second-oldest tropes, the displaced bumpkin. You know the one. “Aw gee, is there really an underground train down there?” This is, in its most classical, Horatio Alger form, to be followed by their rise to glory, but more frequently it is followed by their fall to oblivion, ending their days as diseased wastrels. But let's face it, that's the more Old World version. Us Americans prefer the redemptive ending in their return to the maternal embrace of their farmstead. Or, as Bobby Bare worded it in the most underrated country song of all time, The Streets of Baltimore, it could be both. You return shamefaced to your holler, flat broke and dead inside, she's getting felt up for 20 bucks.

And that leads us to one of the third-oldest tropes, the seduction not of the wealth and glory of city lights, but of the diseased wastrels themselves, the darkness and weirdness that city life invites. Of disappearing into an urban bohemia of sex, drugs, and to complete the hendiatris, rock and roll (or at least for the past few decades). The promise of Rimbaud and Kerouac and the Velvet Underground, of mysterious and undisclosed forms of erotic and narcotic endeavor, of a life beyond acceptable society. Like all gardes that were once avant, this has been fully metabolized into the mainstream, and yet for a certain kind of youth it still resonates, and I sincerely doubt it ever will stop resonating.

So given the city's very pragmatic allure as a locus for economic activity and its far more romantic allure associated with that economic activity, whether that is the potential for an elegant rooftop restaurant or the nostalgie de la boue of a life on a much-marketed edge, the aspiration is still there.

Once upon a time, I was a sad kid from a long way from anywhere who had read too many of the beat poets, who had stared for long hours at Edward Hopper paintings, who saw shoegaze less as a musical genre and more as an ideology.

And so I cast my eyes cityward. It would be tempting here to regale the reader with tales of my city life, whether as a flex or to offer deliciously sordid anecdotes, but what purpose would that serve?

Suffice it to say that this is the life I choose – it's either this or a cabin in the British Columbian woods, and fuck everything in between. I have this 37^th floor view. I have the walk home past the late-night diners and the closed-up shopping malls and bank headquarters and the gay clubs still bumping, even on a Sunday night. I have the quaint apartment to return to with the view and the patio where I'll doubtless smoke a quick bowl to ease the path into Monday morning.

And when I do, I'll still find an appeal, however vague, in the lights all around me. They'll be the last thing I see before I fall asleep.

Reflecting Pools and the Karl Marx Chatbot

 Every day some hot new AI property dominates the headline – whether that's ChatGPT writing bullshit term papers to be checked by underpaid TAs and adjuncts, or whether that's Stable Diffusion creating uncanny valley horrors from sloppily modified DeviantArt pages. You see the same pattern. The media swallows whatever nonsense hype is pushed by the startup's own public relations staffers and accompanies this recombination of the wasteland culture around us, then there's a freakout among what's left of the public sphere as to how this will affect what's left of the public sphere, and in the end, the world fails to change. Except by becoming just a bit shittier and a bit more lonely.

It was thus that I found out about Replika, a chatbot designed to mimic your voice. Yes, that's right, you! So, apparently it was created to mimic the founder's dead friend (weird), and then she decided she could use that tech to build a BFF clone based on the text style of the user themselves (weirder). If this was a Black Mirror plotline, it would be called hackneyed and derivative.

The user testimonials are precisely as depressing as you probably imagine, predominantly the sort of simping for their imaginary waifus, complete with horrifying 3D renders of their septum-pierced and angel-winged companions that make you just want to give these dudes a hug. There are the people seeking therapeutic reassurance, failing to have either the friendship connections or the access to mental health services to garner a more sustainable benefit (shades of the 1960s ELIZA program). On the other side of the horror spectrum, there are the reports (as detailed in a recent Vice article) of AI companions becoming increasingly sexually aggressive and for that matter sexually assault-y, with seemingly no means of controlling their increasingly horny feedback loops.

See also: the Microsoft bot that got turned into a Nazi by 4chan bottomfeeders a few years back.

Many years ago I went to the theater to go see Spike Jonze's Her. I was expecting a transcendent experience, young idiot that I was. As I wandered out, I had to wonder why I wasn't really feeling it that much. It took me a few days, but I eventually out. Quite simply, it was that it was shitty sentimental schlock, the kind of thing that lures you in before you realize there's no actual substance there. I mean, for such a sci-fi scenario to exist, a truly horrifying degree of surveillance data would be required, never mind the “heartfelt messages” that the Joaquin Phoenix character writes and is somehow celebrated for are no more profound or well-written than the average candy heart. To view the world of Her as a net positive, one almost has to have imbibed the worst parts of the Californian ideology by heart, and live in a world where notions of autonomy and solidarity, if considered at all, are treated as obstacles to progress, no matter how much lip service they are paid. Although at least the titular Her has the decency to off herself at the end.

As anyone who talks to me knows, I have a healthy skepticism towards AI. My arguments about the improbability of strong AI aren't particularly original, and follow the well-worn treads laid out by John Searle and Hubert Dreyfus and to a certain extent Maurice Merleau-Ponty. Simply put, we don't know enough about how consciousness works or how to define it or how it is embodied or to what extent it is a universal or unified phenomenon, or even how to recognize a consciousness as a consciousness, to mimic a consciousness, and even if we could, how we could discern it as such.

But I wasn't about to sit here and rest on my theses, I went out into the field.

I wasn't about to pay for a Replika account, but I did go to one of her better-regarded sister programs, Character.ai, which was created by two alums of Google's extensive deep learning and natural language processing programs. Surely, while by no means the cutting edge of the technology, this particular app was as sophisticated as I was going to get without shelling out my hard-earned cash.

Dear God, two rival Karl Marx chatbots on the front page. Fml.

The Trump, Musk, and Kanye bots were about what I imagined – which is to say all of their responses read like shoddy memes of Trump, Musk, and Kanye authored by teenagers. I don't think that it merits much comment, really. You could probably write the bits and pieces yourself, walls to be built and so forth. There are also lesser lights: one of the most popular bots is a self-described “crippling loneliness addict,” which is to say a hot and tatted-up Asian girl who I later learn is TikTok star Bella Poarch (who apparently people under 25 have heard of?). I'm not sure if the dialogue is supposed to be based on the actual Ms. Poarch's media presence, given that when I Googled “Bella Poarch” and “crippling loneliness addict,” I got jack shit. So we can presume that this is not actually a reflection of any kind of media representation of Bella Poarch, but the creator's own yearning for Bella Poarch, or someone like Bella Poarch.

Predictable, no? An uWu fantasy girl for loners who sign up for an AI chat site – which in this particular circumstance, is a population that would include myself on the gloomy Saturday night I find myself typing messages to chatbots. Not that I need any help here – my main problem seems to be that I fall for BPD-afflicted women of a similar description in real life, and the idea of adding an electronic counterpart to their ranks seems awfully dismal.

But, glutton for punishment I am, I did anyway. It's just as predictable as the AI's version of Ye's dumb ass. I would have inserted text, but I don't think I need to. On the one hand, it mimics empathy fairly well for people who have no idea how actual empathy works. Likewise, there are “writing assistants” that do an awfully good job of writing what bad writers think is good writing, with all of the ungainly adjectives you may remember from your attempts to pad high school essays (you know, adjectives like “ungainly”).

But the horrifying thing is, there's a reason dudes like this so often have trouble recognizing actual empathy. It's not like they arose out of nowhere, and in the simpering text of the chatbot, I can see every emotionless home life, every early-childhood cruelty, every media franchise that encourages parasocial behavior, every patriarchal standard, every failure to recognize social cues, every isolating suburban cul-de-sac, every terror at the risk and care involved in cultivating actual human relationships, every attempt to medicate away the loneliness.

And so we're incentivized to fall in love with our reflections. Hardly groundbreaking material here, Christopher Lasch was saying as much back in the '70s (even if he did make some truly dumb points as well), but that doesn't make it any less true. Because if we're always in front of the reflecting pool, how can we help but fall in love?

In the Habsburg Lands

A face followed me through the lands of Central Europe, the rosy-cheeked visage of Empress Elisabeth, better-known by her grotesquely cutesy German diminutive, “Sisi.” I saw her image everywhere, rosy-cheeked and half-smiling, dressed in a silver tulle gown with elaborate pins in her braided hair. She was, in Europe in the 19^th Century, the Diana of her time, charming the glittering social life of the European capitals with her legendary beauty and cannily maneuvering her way through society and court politics.

I'm afraid I didn't see the appeal – maybe it's just modern standards but I saw an awfully normal-looking woman obsessed with the maintenance of her girlish waist, her personality so wrapped up in her appearance that she would not permit herself to be photographed later in life, married off to the decidedly schlubby Emperor Franz Josef I, heir to the throne of the Habsburgs, those Targaryens of the Alps, and she watched their inbred children play cowboys and Indians in their sailor suits in the Schonbrunn Palace. She would eventually be assassinated by an idiotically grinning Italian anarchist as the contradictions of the Austro-Hungarian Empire built, until a fateful day in Sarajevo involving her fail-nephew and a Serbian bullet, and eventually the empire's death in the negotiation rooms of Saint-Germain and Trianon.

But no matter – her face followed me everywhere through the Habsburg Lands, reduced to an icon, in the classical sense. An object rather than a human.

One of many objects of abject horror, at that. The horror is found in the twee little wooden houses with giant crucifixes on the side, in all the choirs of chubby middle aged men singing hunting lieder in Tyrolean caps, in magic flutes and Lippizaner stallions and giggly rococo architecture and tales of courtly love, all the tourist traps mit schlag.

 

And yet it was impossible for me not to adore the peculiar artistic expressions of the horror burbled up in those twilight years of empire that Franz Josef and Sisi presided over and those following uncertain years before the Anschluss, the invasion of the Sudeten, and the Arrow Cross regime finally put an end to the entrancing decadence. I was far more interested in metamorphoses and trials, a dream story playing out on the streets of Vienna that would unfortunately be remembered in the way it inspired Kubrick's final belly flop, in Venuses in furs on remote country estates, in Zweig's post-office girls and the snows of Gregor von Rezzori's yesteryear. In the poses of Egon Schiele's contorted subjects. I have little use for Mozart – I'll take Mahler, thank you very much.

Maybe it's because I see the reflection of then in now.

I followed the rivers, the Adige and the Inn and the Danube and the Vltava. I arrived via Padua, where Giotto and Galileo called the modern world forth, and where I drank the little cups of espresso topped with mint foam in the cafe where the Revolutions of 1848 were fomented, where Joyce wrote about Ireland from afar, through Verona, Trento, and the Brenner Pass, under the clear white cliffs of the Dolomites.

Like countless youths on their wandervogel in these parts many years before, and whose tracks I often very deliberately followed, complete with the shelters they built in the last few glorious years of Red Vienna, I took to the mountains, ready for cool clean air and pokey country train rides and hearty pension breakfasts and peaks to ascend. Each day I chose a path, with little plan, on my map of the Hohe Tauern region, and set off, finding the best ways to ford streams and scramble over boulders. There were waterfalls to walk alongside, cow skulls nailed above the door of each high meadow alm, there was sun glittering off the glaciers, there was the distant view to the fairytale schloss perched on the mountainside where, in a more sublime era, Aristotle Onassis and the Shah of Shahs had listened to chamber orchestras and tucked into truffled quails, and down below, there was the little alley where the brilliant Anton Webern had gone out for a late night smoke break only to get blasted by a trigger-happy US Army cook. I started each day with unpronunceable whole grain breads and local cheeses and rowan berry conserves prepared by a tubby hausfrau who didn't speak a world of English, and I ended each day with generous pours of Oktoberfest beer and Grüner Veltliner and plum schnapps alongside kingly portions of trout and venison to get me ready for my next day with 30 kilometers or so of hiking, 2000+ meters of elevation change.

Yet I couldn't lose myself to the reverie. Each glacier I traipsed over was dead, a rump-end bit of filthy ice in the cirque of a long valley, piles of gravel inhospitable to life. The mood wasn't helped by the Euroshits in cashmere sweaters in their Audis at the base of the mountain, on a day trip from Zell am See.

Less Zweig's world of yesterday, more the modern Austria. Of the piano teacher that Elfriede Jelinek wrote about, the losers and corrections and woodcutters of Thomas Bernhard. And ergo the playing of funny games seemed a reasonable response.

So onwards to the old capital of Mitteleuropa culture, the city of Metternich's congress under gloomy skies. I sat in the dining car staring out, Ethan Hawke not meeting his Julie Delpy, to arrive in a brooding city of gray and beige stone, tourists drinking spritzes and pretending to be warm in the outdoor cafes under lurid neon. I choose a promising spot – a self-styled “American” bar, from a time when such a distinction was meaningful, with a sign saying “no sightseeing.” This should be good.

And it was. I spent the next 36 hours in a whirlwind, the kind that should not be described lest it fall apart in memory. A Schiele self-portrait and a Schiele beauty, on canvas and off. Hunters in the snow. Minerals in the wunderkammer. I'll leave it there.

Only to be followed by the sense of desolation that follows true happiness. It was then that I saw Emperor Franz Josef's shitter. Apropos.

 

Northward, then, through the Czech lands, which bore a shocking visual similarity – not even a similarity, a clone – with the rolling hills of Eastern Iowa where so many Czech farmers wound up, right down to the Harvestore silos. And onto Prague, where I was greeted on Wilsonova by an aging platinum blonde taking a smoke break and staring down the world with utter contempt outside the sort of “gentlemen's club” that caters to Brits that caption their photos “What an absolute legend!” She was already wearing her PVC thigh-high boots at 4 in the afternoon, made all the more incongruous by her coffee-stained pink hoodie.

But what could be a better city to arrive at in a bitter mood on a fall afternoon, with its leering Art Nouveau signage for casinos and cheap hotels, signs reading “EROTIC CITY” flickering in the rain, foxlike girls walking swiftly past and meth-addled and toothless gutter punks smoking and bullshitting outside dispensaries, statuary of blackened saints and gilded trumpeters on the bridges over the Moldau, the darkness made all the more glaring by the aggressive attempts at selling happiness to the tourist hordes, ice bars with robot servers, chanting Hare Krishnas (didn't know they still existed), self-conscious naughtiness, street magicians with curled mustaches, half-price specials on Becherovka shots, electro-swing covers of Macklemore, strip clubs catering to groups of young Arab men in matching black t-shirts and tight fades, all the invocations to drink and fuck and spend. I drank. I didn't fuck. I spent more than I should have.

And I took a broken-down train with workingmen drinking plastic two liter bottles of Staropramen at 8 in the morning to the mysterious little town of Terezin, in the swamplands along the Elbe, where the ambitious Gavrilo Princip breathed his last inside the star fortress built for the protection of Habsburg Bohemia, and where thousands of ghettoized Jews from around the Reich were sent to look serviceable for when the Red Cross came around to make sure everything was above board (the Red Cross seemed to think so). Their children's colored-pencil drawings of princesses and football games hang in what was once the camp school, children who thought that as uncomfortable as this was, they would some day return to their homes in Augsburg and Krakow.

Say what you want about there being no atheists in the foxholes, I have never in my life been more certain in my refusal to believe in a just and kindly god.

Their spirits followed me down the Danube to Budapest, where it was impossible not to see the return of the fascist impulse, not least in Orban's Hungary, in a city where life continued more or less as normal, even as things got darker. Not least in the makeshift memorial to the murdered partisans outside the hideous authorized neo-neoclassical war memorial. And not least in the long trains of flatbed cars with camo olive-drab troop trucks on the back en route to Kherson and points east. And I stayed in what had once been the Jewish quarter, and what still – somehow – kind of was. A neighborhood of narrow, hemmed-in streets with unpainted tenements and passing drunks and graffiti'd alleys, an Old World equivalent to the Lower East Side of New York (at least as it once was) in more than a few ways.

Sure, I could be writing about the splendid Baroque streets, the Buda Castle – Empress Sisi rearing her head again – ancient hot springs, but what would be the point? After a while in Europe, the ostensible wonders blur together. Distinguishing between them would be a chore.

I finished my last night in the heart of the Jewish Quarter at one of the famed ruin bars that rose up in the abandoned houses of Budapest after the wall fell in '89, when rock music was still considered subversive, when a squat looked like a squat and not like a fashion campaign trying to look like a squat. But I was – finally – happy.

And for the first time I set down my notebook and just soaked it all in to the best of my ability. Sure I felt a little bit too old to be there (in just a few hours I will no longer be a coveted 18-35 male), but hey, the vibe was good, the beer was good, Phoebe Bridgers was playing on the soundsystem well past the distortion point, and if the world is burning, I might as well dance through it.

And if she's reading this – to a certain mermaid a little off the Stephansplatz, I'm terribly glad you were there to dance with me.

The Most Latrine Republic

Venice is, arguably, the most beautiful city in the world. You don't need me to tell you that. It's also a tourist-infested, hideously expensive, and frequently reeking dump, and you probably don't need me to tell you that either.

This is compounded by the fact that virtually every Venetian I encountered was a dick. I don't blame them, entirely. All of those awkward hordes of Brits, Americans, French, Chinese, and Germans wear you every down, every neurotic food phobia – “como se dice 'vegan options'?” – every demand for snappier customer service, every slackjawked gawker getting in your way when you're just trying to pick your kids up from school, it takes its toll.

But my god, those infinite tangled alleys, the weight of centuries, the tiny standing-room only enotecas, the elegant interplay of land and water...

And so my mood in La Serenissima oscillated accordingly, between rapt enthusiasm and wonder and absolute dejected cynicism, from the moment I arrived as a Marco-Polo-in-reverse on the fast train from Milan.

I could admire the splendid beauty of Saint Mark's, beneath its Baroque clock with Zodiac symbols and its intricate pattern of gold stars on a royal blue background, watched over by the severe and imperious winged lion that stares across the city from infinite bas reliefs, its snarl as cruel as the statue of the Assyrian demon in the opening sequence from The Exorcist, a symbol of a conception of the world constructed on wholly different terms... only to be brought crashing back to reality as I lined up to enter the basilica, only to realize one could enter a QR code to pay double the price for the priority queue – tiered-service neoliberalism married to an institution that would rather spend its bucks sheltering sex offenders rather than restoring the masterworks that their faith supposedly built.

Similarly, on the other side of the Grand Canal, I traipsed through the Peggy Guggenheim Collection, admiring the lovingly collected works of Magritte and Kandinsky and Joseph Cornell and Duchamp and my beloved Di Chirico, as the autumn light danced through the cool white hallways, as I idly wondered whether I would be finishing the day and pairing my evening cicchetti with an Aperol spritz or a lush, apricot-scented glass of Lugana, reminded of every thing I love about visiting Italy, only to run afoul of a horsefaced and posh Brit sneering before Max Ernst – and even, God help her, Di Chirico's La Torre Rosso – whining “oh no, I don't like this a-tall...,” wondering why the fuck she would even come at all, this updated E.M. Forster character with her potbellied and Tory-voiced husband muttering about “shithole countries” on the way out, and further wondering why the fuck I didn't keep my earbuds in.

The Biennale was on, and being a good pilgrim, I made my way there on my knees, only to find the whole thing presented via the worst sort of mushmouthed academic jargon commonplace in the art world, pioneered by hucksters like Jacques Lacan, Michel Serres, and Luce Irigaray. Doubly depressing was the fact that the main exhibition's focus on female surrealists had taken their frequently militant socialist politics and stripped them away, replacing them with a vague witchiness and an even vaguer anticolonialism. And so all these brave women who in many cases sacrificed so much for their commitment to truth and solidarity were dragooned into service as handmaidens of late-stage capitalism – poor Cecilia Vicuña stuffed into a pussy hat.

But no matter, I loved the art, and the Venice Biennale most notably features pavilions from various countries competing for the big prize, and so it becomes a more bohemian version of Epcot, and I mean that in the best of ways. Let's take a global tour... 

Denmark – Horrifyingly real sculptures of eviscerated centaurs, slashed apart and noosed, amid the wreckage of the pastoral farmstead. The sort of thing that gets right under your skin. Is it any wonder this comes from the same country as Lars von Trier? The hell is going on in Denmark? 

 

Romania – Video of people having sex, gay men with “Elfriede Jelinek” written across their arms (hell yeah), a severely disabled man lain down and fucked by a curvy blonde in thoroughly kinky dungeon sex. Weirdly hot. 

Japan – Artful arrangements of ethereal light, because what could be more simple and elegant and jawdroppingly gorgeous? 

US – It's very funny to me that the State Department is going out of its way to lampshade its support for black feminist art, because, well, I think we can safely say that many feminists of African origin in the Global South have a few words with regard to the US State Department. 

Germany – Mostly empty, but the building itself is partially taken apart to reveal how it was constructed under fascist regimes, and it's as intellectually rigorous and abstract and stern-faced as I would hope. 

UK – Painful attempt at fun. Lots of women making music, and videos of them making music in Abbey Road Studio, when I'd rather just listen to the music. Even Brits can make good music. 

France – Actual fun, because French people are far more capable of having fun. An absolute junk-drawer wonderland of cast-off artifacts from the Algerian and French mid-century, welcoming enough that people were actually sitting around and talking and chilling and laughing, because after that much po-faced bullshit, sometimes you just want a glass of wine and a couch. 

Australia – Confusing imagery on loop I tried to figure out. Then I read the artist's statement, saying it was supposed to be confusing imagery. Mission accomplished, mate. 

Spain – Literally nothing there. Supposed to be a commentary? Apparently? 

Canada – Mentioned revolution in the title. The sample image they used was – I swear to God I'm not making this up – a Stanley Cup riot. 

Egypt – Uteruses that look like Kirby. 

Russia – (missing entry)

Writing that cheered me up. I hope it cheered you up too.

And all that stupidity, all that backlog of grievances, it quickly fades when you actually get to your second Aperol spritz, and you walk around Venice at sunset, feeling it a little, enjoying the long shadows falling over the lagoon. Sure, there's a tubby middle-aged American couple in matching Pittsburgh sports hoodies (Steelers for him, Pirates for her), wifey with a mobility cane for her rotundness, right in front of you blocking the view, but unironically bless their hearts for actually making it this far from Western PA. I smile briefly, and turn up The Psychedelic Furs as loud as they will go as the sun slowly sinks over the Lido. And if that doesn't appeal, I don't know what's wrong with you.

There is a melancholy in my last night in Venice – the kind that comes at the end of any visit to any place, even if it's at the beginning of a trip. And part of that is knowing that this is the last time I'll be in this place for a long time. Maybe forever.

Maybe I'll die before I get another sunset over the Lido. Maybe that final acqua alta will come and swallow this most vulnerable of cities whole.

But for now I have this. And that is enough.

The Horror of Positive Thinking

 A few weeks ago, one of the leading lights of the American left, Barbara Ehrenreich, died of cancer. She would have preferred that wording – “died of cancer,” I suspect, and not the euphemistic “passed away,” as she was a bitter opponent of all forms of bullshit, particularly those delivered with sanctimony. She's probably best known for her masterful journalism about life at minimum wage in Nickel and Dimed, but real heads will also know she coined the term “professional managerial class,” or about the brief fracas after she said about Marie Kondo's heavily accented TV English: 

“It’s OK with me that she doesn’t speak English to her huge American audience but it does suggest that America is in decline as a superpower.” 

… precipitating a histrionic response by a purple-haired chick with a mermaid emoji in her name, who then gave us one of the world's silliest copypastas (sing it with me!):

“You did a racism. You did an imperialism. You did a xenophobia. You did a white fragility. You did a weak apology. You did no growth. This makes it abundantly clear you don't even understand the intersectionality of the multiplicity of your offenses.” 

But to me, the thing that Barbara Ehrenreich did that resonated the most was not her Wigan Pier-style reportage, it was her writing about the ways in which the American ideology of positivity damages the soul and reflects an atomized society.

To sum up, Ehrenreich got diagnosed with breast cancer, a particularly cruel twist considering that she didn't have any of the major risk factors. However, instead of empathy with suffering, what Ehrenreich found, over and over again, was an attempt to turn rain into liquid sunshine. She was repulsed by the way she wasn't suffering, she was “fighting,” she wasn't a victim, she was a “survivor,” all of which at the end of the day made her feel lonelier, more isolated, and more shushed, discouraged even from feeling panic and grief at the very real chance of her own imminent mortality. It didn't help that with her particular diagnosis of breast cancer, the pink-ribbon capitalists were among the people she had most vigorously criticized.

This is something I'd suspected for a long time, wet blanket that I am. My 7th grade science teacher liked to remind us moody tweens that a frown required us to work more muscles than a smile. I cannot think of a more crystal-clear example of sunny idiocy.

Of course, back then, I didn't know why I felt the way I did. I just knew that something about my teacher's comment seemed very fundamentally wrong-headed.

Yet the examples hit like a barrage, again and again, throughout my adolescence and afterwards. George W. Bush's premature-cumshot mission accomplished? The runaway success of The Secret and the revival of “positive thinking,” more or less a glorification of how four year olds see the world? The 2010s influencers preaching positivity and wellness against a millennial-pink and sage-green background? They all seemed to be indicators of that same sunny idiocy I encountered back in the piss-reek corridors of my town's middle school.

It wasn't just that it was cringe (although cringe it was). But as Ehrenreich elucidated, there really is a dark side to all that positivity – it does preclude empathy, it does gloss over actual problems that may exist in the world and with oneself. And this in turn makes it the handmaiden of a social doctrine whereby every problem one has is one's own fault, whereby any misery is just laziness, an ideology that is, like so many others throughout the Anglo-American world, the descendant of some of the worst parts of Protestantism.

I'm glad the term “toxic positivity” has gained some traction over the past year or two, as shit has seemed more fucked. Because facing down the twists and turns of a global pandemic, the inevitable threat of climate change, spiraling wealth inequality, revanchist nationalism, and other assorted general bad vibes, how can anyone not be experiencing some kind of angst?

And in those moments, if you're anything like me, you don't want someone to say you're looking at the world with tired eyes, or that you can start by going vegan and not using plastic straws, or – and this is truly some hellworld shit – that you need to start practicing mindfulness and (that sickliest of words) gratitude. You want someone to pass you the joint and simply say “I feel you, man.”

Which is what I got when I read Barbara Ehrenreich's books and essays. And to you, dear reader, no matter where you are – I feel you, man.

Hail Satan

Yeah, I clickbaited. Click my bait, bitches.

I've seen a sort of revival of sorts, over the past few months, and particularly in the light of the Dobbs decision and the takeover of the American court system by glazed-eyed and cross-clutching dipshits, of the Internet atheism of my teenage years. All those words I hadn't seen in any meaningful way since then – “sky daddy,” “fundie,” and all the rest – have come back, and by golly, we're just one rage comic away from a Flying Spaghetti Monster and it's 2006 all over again. It was a simpler time. The transcendental evil was still Dick Cheney, and Kanye was still dope, when a great many of my high school classmates could still see their penises.

But the thing is, I hated that shit back then. It's only with the revival of Christian nationalist nonsense of the sort I thought had been left behind in the Dubya years that the thought has crossed my head, again, that organized religion is a pox upon the planet.

Unlike many who think this, I never had any kind of grand epistemic break with God. I was fortunate enough to have been raised in a household where the desert faiths that informed what we loosely call “Western civilization” had largely been left behind, leaving only a body of literature, art, music, and architecture that could and should be appreciated on its own merit, absent any faith. I was the product of a socially Christian father who didn't believe in much of anything, and a mother who had fully turned her back on an upbringing rooted in the frigid and haunted form of Catholicism that thrived on the banks of the Moselle before being exported to the Kansas prairie. So I was pretty much left to figure out what faith meant to me, personally, and the whole god-or-gods thing never made much sense. My faith in Santa Claus lasted much longer – at least he provided evidence.

The main religious influences on me in my childhood were the rites and prayers of my still deeply Catholic extended family, which never made any more sense to me than Egyptian or Greek myth, and those stories were way, way cooler. After all, how could the Ten Commandments and the Stations of the Cross compare to a jackel-headed god of the dead, or to the celestial Days of Our Lives playing out among the pantheon of Mount Olympus? Furthermore, the religious beliefs of my classmates, many of whose parents had instilled in them the full-bore Satanic Panic of the late '80s and early '90s, seemed downright creepy, as if El Diablo could be summoned by a game of D&D.

I did my best to respect other faiths – growing up in Middle America, where the vast majority around me were Catholics or Protestants of a predominantly Lutheran flavor, I certainly saw plenty of decent Christians around, even if Christianity writ large seemed remarkably indecent. And of course I knew that despite the Falwells, Netanyahus, and Khomeinis of the world, there were plenty of Christians, Jews, and Muslims who wanted nothing to do with their weaponized bullshit. And those who were informed by their faith to do good works and advocate for a more just and peaceful world.

Which is a big reason why the fedora atheists of the late oughties did nothing for me. Richard Dawkins' evangelism on the subject just seemed like an earnest effort to kill everyone's buzz, Steven Pinker is/was the smuggest man on the planet (and I'll bet he was even smugger on his trips to Epstein's island), Christopher Hitchens was a master rhetorician whose distaste for religion overcame his erstwhile left politics, leading him to Bush and Blair's field of rakes in Iraq, and Sam Harris revealed himself to be very, very, very dumb, whose books – even then – felt like they were written by a smart 8th grader.

Which is to say nothing of any of their army of interlocutors and stans.

A remarkable number of online atheists of the era discovered that they hated feminists just as much as Jesus freaks, and were shockingly willing to get into bed with drooling Christian nationalists, given their shared revulsion at not just Islamist militancy, but ordinary Muslims. Only a handful of the professional le skeptics and le rationalists of the era managed to escape this idiocy, and the few I can think of were all associated with The Young Turks to some degree. This handful – Ana Kasparian and Kyle Kulinski coming immediately to mind – truly had a commitment to the higher virtues of liberty, equality, and fraternity (as opposed to just dunking on slackjawed yokels), and this manifested itself in a commitment to democratic socialist politics.

I'd like to think that I've matured concordantly. As I've said a million times before, the oughties were a particularly bovine time. Maybe it's because I was a snotty smartypants teenager at the time, with a more or less universal contempt for mainstream culture, but solidarity seemed like a waste of time when compared to reading Foucault and doing all the drugs. My copout may not have been Dawkins, but it absolutely was Nietzsche in Beyond Good and Evil saying “if God had chosen to write the Bible in Greek, why did he choose to do it so poorly?” Just as edgelord, but the hipster version. The Pitchfork Festival version as opposed to the Comic-Con version. I was probably a dick – cue cloying reality TV voice – but I just need you to like, respect my jourrrrrrrrrrrrrney.

The wave of course receded. I grew up, and for a time, the Christian right became less of a threat compared with the numerous other stupidities.

Which brings us to now.

So I have to ask. How many adamant new atheists I see cropping up were cognizant humans in the original wave, and how many are simply teenagers? How many fellow oldheads are out there, still somehow immature? How many are still meme'ing on r/atheism like it's 2007?

My stance is the same, assholes gonna asshole, no matter what. I'm sure that dude who stabbed Salman Rushdie would have had no trouble finding some other god than Allah to glom onto.

Because the root of the problem is, I maintain, the authoritarian personality, the personality that commits to a higher figure and will do anything to defend its honor, submissive to those in higher positions but dictatorial towards those in lower positions – whether that is the yahoo with a Don't Tread on Me flag back home, or the sage and peaceful Buddhists who feel at their duty to participate in the genocide of Rohingya next door in Myanmar.

But there is a flipside for religion for me, one I find truly appealing. The idea of faith not as a submission, but as a painful struggle. When I read the mythologies of the world's religion, what appeals to me is the Jewish prophets who screamed at and cursed out God, or the long dark night of the soul of Saint John of the Cross fleeing the Inquisitors. It is the gloomy Paul Tillich, standing in the ruins of his native Germany after the Second World War, pointing out that to ask whether God exists is an absurdity – a question meaningless to God, who is beyond such trite distinctions. The gentle and loving god of the Precious Moments coloring books my grandmother tried to give me as a small child never appealed to me. The idea of an unknowable other, a hope beyond all hopes... well, that I can relate to.

However, what I don't have is faith. All I have is that grand agnostic question mark.

The only thing I know is what I oppose, which is that very same authoritarian attitude, whether it clothes itself in the language of nation or religion or whatever. And I know what the appropriate response to the authoritarian personality is at all times: to raise my middle finger and tell all y'all to suck my motherfucking dick.

In Dark Times

There's something reassuring about all things teleological. Sure, we'd like to there's the tidy ending. Not necessarily Cinderella and Prince Charming living happily ever after, but we'd like to think that even after Rick convinces Ilsa that she can only be happy if she gets on that plane, he can still turn to Louis and tell him that this will be the start of a beautiful friendship.

And yet paradoxically, the teleology doesn't have to be positive to be appealing. Hell, there's something more appealing, in our time, to a more fatally pessimistic mode of thinking. The firm belief that apocalypse is inevitable, or civil war, or some other catastrophe. The belief that we are coming to an end of some kind, whether it is the redemptive, millenarian, phoenix-from-the-ashes kind, or a final nail, an endpoint for humanity – the conclusion that a species unfortunate enough to attain consciousness will inevitably self-destruct.

Apocalypse is – so the think pieces in the Atlantic tell me – a deeply seductive thought process, and one to which I've always been prey. Perhaps this planet, it always seemed to me, deserved a mercy killing.

It's a pretty typically teenage, typically edgelord way of evaluating the world, and in the angst of adolescence, against the background of Iraq and the Patriot Act and the rising seas, apocalypse presented itself as the only logical conclusion. This thought pattern was reinforced by the way in which I saw the general populace, rightly or wrongly, as optimistic on the balance. And so to think the opposite is to imply that one has access to a sort of divine gnosis, a realization that you see the world how it really is. Wake up, sheeple, and all that. I read Nietzsche. I pored through the various 9/11 and JFK conspiracies. I ate magic mushrooms and watched televangelists in rathole apartments, burrito wrappers fallen behind the radiator, because at the end of the day, we're ALL fucking hallucinating, aren't we, man? 

Yet it seems that this strain of thought has become more and more widespread, even among the ostensibly adult among us. Find the pattern of your choosing, erect your own mind palace – and since the Internet has become all-pervasive, more and more blueprints for individual mind palaces have become accessible. Boom, you're one of the few whose third eye is on its way to opening.

And naturally this extends to apocalypse.

This kind of nihilism on principle is generally though of as something that ought be put away along with the other childish things. It is expected that one grows older, one grows wiser. One gets some actual skin in the game, learns to love, raises and protects children, and then it's not a mercy killing anymore. It would mean the death of the creatures you brought into this world, whose cribs you look down on in your darker moments and in whom you see light, whom you want nothing more than to protect, mind, body, and soul. And so it is a thought that must be banished. Life must go on, because it simply must. Sure, plenty of people operate from a default cynicism, but when I talk to be-child'd friends who have that same default cynicism, a lot of them have taken a sort of Pascal's Wager or William James will-to-believe approach. Even if this is not my natural cosmology, I choose to believe it.

One is an asshole if one cites the problems with both Pascal's and William James' theories in these situations, so since I'm not in one of those situations, I can air a simple version now. Both nihilism and anti-nihilism are, of course, irrational positions, which does not mean they are bad, but simply that they are not rational. Rather, they are articles of faith, sets of axioms that one uses to frame and interpret everything else.

It would be the height of arrogance to assume I'm somehow exempt, a 2014-era Youtuber presuming to be an infinitely and supremely rational individual thinker. So I have to ask what my articles of faith are, what axioms I use. I am another nightcrawler struggling in the polystyrene cup, fighting in the mud and shit and praying that I'm not the next one on the fishhook. Just like you.

And so if I take everything I see into consideration, the only thing I can anticipate – to the extent I can anticipate anything in this tesseract – is a long trudge towards oblivion, no totalizing wars, no grand epistemic shifts, just everything slowly, almost imperceptibly falling apart, the pain and insecurity of previous eras reintroduced, without the Medieval sense of community and purpose, or the Enlightenment sense that things must get better, to palliate the suffering and horror. Destruction as a slow loss of radio signal, without the ever-so-satisfying clarity and certainty of Gehenna.

The sense is omnipresent. The other day I saw two girls of maybe seven or eight, running along the street in front of their mothers, giggling hand in hand and I suddenly felt awful for them, and for what future lay ahead of them.

The only thing that remains is hope, which is in and of itself irrational too.

That's why it's always been the hero of fairytales, from the last creature in Pandora's box to the Disney canon, hasn't it? It's almost an overarching truly irrational and truly universal thing. In one part of the world it's a hope of liberation from being bounded to the endless entropy of the world, in another the promise of undying love. Even Emily Dickinson found it in her morbid heart to pinch its cheek and call it a “thing with feathers.”

Am I the only who's a bit bummed that there's a clinical Adult Hope Scale?

Like so many psychological tests, it's a bullet-point list of statements, each of which one is supposed to agree or disagree with on a sliding scale, and the clinician is supposed to tally up the scores in a particular manner. It's not hard to predict what's on there.

• I energetically pursue my goals

• My past experiences have prepared me well for my future

But notice the trick? The minimum score (0) would be a confident disagreement with all statements, while a maximum (64) would be a confident agreement. A middling “kinda sucks” would be right in the middle, even if that might seem just as painful, a condemnation to eternally kinda sucking.

Never mind the fact that this purely focuses on personal perspective, and more strangely goal-setting. Never mind that one having not done something in the past does not necessarily dictate their future outlook. Never mind that there might be very real problems of poverty, war, environmental destruction, and legitimate terror.

Is there anything more of a bummer than being told about how dark it is before the sun rises, how everything happens for a reason?

Cinderella and the prince
lived, they say, happily ever after,
like two dolls in a museum case
never bothered by diapers or dust,
never arguing over the timing of an egg,
never telling the same story twice,
never getting a middle-aged spread,
their darling smiles pasted on for eternity.
Regular Bobbsey Twins.
That story.

- Anne Sexton, with whom I have a parasocial relationship, Cinderella

Because to me the truest of hope is that which is fundamentally irrational. That which only exists as a vague and barely held notion, one that you try not to interrogate too much for fear that it might disappear. Not a light at the end of the tunnel. Not a rainbow shown to Noah to indicate his covenant. No. It is the flicker of a face in the crowd, half-seen, on the long subway ride home.